EV-Hater’s Guide to Hating Electric Cars: Third and Final Chapter

By · August 29, 2011

Sunset over gas station

Gas stations are a beautiful and permanent feature of the American landscape. It's our God-given right as Americans to pay high gas prices.

Based on the great feedback to the first two installments of this series—the original EV-Hater’s Guide to Electric Cars, and the subsequent Chapter Two, I decided to compile one last set of anti-EV tips. I’ve been blown away by the strong reaction to the previous articles. It seems, whenever anyone brings up the topic of electric cars, people get agitated and start to make frenzied declarations about politics, science, and the fate of humanity. The topic is like a giant Rorschach blot. In a more rational world, someone who hates electric cars would respond by simply opting to not buy one. But that’s not the world we live in: something about the mere existence of electric cars stirs up angry indignation.

The third chapter of the EV-Hater’s Guide to Hating Electric Cars focuses on seven new and powerful ways to hate electric vehicles. Whether you’re an amateur hater, or a professional purveyor of misinformation, this third chapter is especially for you. Please read the first two chapters before tackling these more advanced attacks, requiring ninja levels of skill and stealth.

1. Point out the lack of charging infrastructure.

Actually, EV-drivers almost always will simply recharge at home, and won’t care that much if there is public recharging or not. But don’t let that stop you from playing the “Where do you recharge it?” game. You’ve might have seen this on TV, when some news reporter at a gas station points out that there aren’t any EV charging stations around. The talking-head anchorman might reply, reading from the teleprompter, “Where on Earth can anyone possibly recharge these electric cars?” Of course, the electric grid is ubiquitous—and nearly a billion dollars worth of EV-charging infrastructure will be installed in the next five or so years. But never mind.

2. Gasp and say: “It takes all day and night to recharge.”

Point to the long time to recharge from empty to full. Don’t let on that an electric car will rarely drop to empty in the first place, and that the recharge mostly happens while everyone is asleep. And that it takes about 10 seconds to plug the car in. Make it sound like the EV driver is going to be stuck staring at his watch for hours every time he wants to drive somewhere. Don’t bring up the prospect of DC fast charging in public locations, allowing about 80 percent recharge in 20 minutes.

Lefty bumper stickers

From previous chapters, we know that all electric cars are small and underpowered. Now, add that they are exclusively driven by card-carrying members of Greenpeace.

3. Over-emphasize the green angle.

Try to communicate that “It’s green, so it must be sucky.” Keep referring to the electric car as a “green machine” or something like that. Be sure to smirk and sound irritated while you’re doing that. Make it sound like all EV drivers are tree-huggers with Lefty bumper stickers plastered all over their tiny plug-in cars. By focusing on the “green credentials” of the car, you can draw attention away from the speedy acceleration, great handling and luxury feel of today's electric cars. When you play the green card, EV advocates will sense that you’re up to something, but they will be defenseless to argue against the environment. Forget that nobody thinks green credentials will do much to sell cars, and that each electric car on the market will succeed or fail based on its merits as a car.

4. Try saying, “I’m not the hater. You’re the hater!”

This mind-bending claim will take EV-Lovers off guard every time. Accuse EV-lovers of hating whoever disagrees with them. That’ll show them! And don’t you hate being called a hater? Of course you do.

5. Pretend to be a logical-thinking skeptic, instead of a hater.

It helps to boost your credibility by pretending to be an EV-Skeptic instead of an EV-Hater. EV-Skeptics are everywhere. And usually, skeptics are perfectly normal and intelligent people. But there are some important differences between them (the skeptics) and you (the haters). Unlike you, EV-Skeptics are usually curious, and often they will change their mind in response to new information. Unlike you, the skeptics won’t be upset if EVs succeed on the road. And unlike you, skeptics won’t take offense if a transition to EVs helps solve three or four major world problems.

6. Lift your spirits by reminding yourself why you hate.

Hating is hard work, so keep your spirits up! There are a lot of good reasons to hate electric cars. Now breathe deeply, and feel the hate flowing through you. Ahhh. Now, remind yourself of the reasons that you hate. First, you enjoy paying those high gas prices. Next, you like the idea of funding hostile regimes while you drive. Then, remember how you like seeing that graph of the Earth’s rising CO2 levels. You saw Mad Max, and kind of think it would be cool to be Mel Gibson.

Neil Cavuto employs the EV-Hater's last resource technique with great skill. Just keep repeating "It's stupid."

7. When all else fails, just keep repeating, “Plugging in your car is stupid.”

If it works for Neil Cavuto of Fox News, it can work for you. Never step foot in an electric car. Never give it a try. And no matter what anybody else says, cut them off and say, “It’s dumb. It's stupid.” For good measure, keep repeating that you (or your wife) will forget to plug it in.

That concludes our series. (For now). So, what are you waiting for? Go out there and spread the hate. See you at the pumps.

New to EVs? Start here

  1. Seven Things To Know About Buying a Plug-In Car
    A few simple tips before you visit the dealership.
  2. Incentives for Plug-in Hybrids and Electric Cars
    Take advantage of credits and rebates to reduce EV costs.
  3. Buying Your First Home EV Charger
    You'll want a home charger. Here's how to buy the right one.